I was lonely. I wanted an alive wife with me in the Underworld. One day when I was walking the Overworld, sad as ever, I spotted a girl. I didn’t know then but this was Persephone. Persephone was the daughter of Zeus & Demeter. I wanted her to become the dreaded goddess of the Underworld. I knew her parents would not accept my want for her. So I decided a more forceful approach would be more prudent. I kidnapped her and took her to the Underworld.
Once she woke up she looked around and ran.
March 2, 2017 at 5:09 pm
For the most part, your sentence structures work really well – but there are parts like this ‘ I wanted an alive wife with me in the Underworld.’ where your phrasing is in need of development.
Read your work aloud, and perhaps look at Kyron’s to see how you might look at creating a character’s voice that reads well.